Thinking of the little things....

I hope this night finds you as snuggled up as me! It feels like the first real fall night to me; so out comes the flannel down comforter and in goes a Lord of the Rings movie. Some hot chocolate completes my perfect Saturday night. Some might think it's sad, but I'm content.
Just appreciating the little things tonight. When life throws you a curveball, the world seems to slow around you, allowing you to soak up some precious moments, throw away all those big worries, and lets you focus on what matters in your heart, your soul. It reminds you once again how skewed your view of the world has become, how often you focus on the big picture, the big worries, and miss what's happening in this moment, in the now. How easily potentially great moments will slip by us by not being in the present.
Working with the general public does great things for me. It lets me see the good and bad in people. And I get to be so, so thankful for the loved ones I have in my life. I get to see, at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter that we don't have a ton of money, a huge house, lots of nice cars, or anything else on the endless list of material things. We have love, and that wins every time.

My thoughts for the week.....

1. I have a very real fear that, when I'm around my sister and mom at the same time, I will pee my pants from laughter.

2. There is not much better than going to bed knowing the house is clean, slipping into clean sheets, with clean pjs, and watching some Harry Potter. For me, anyways. :)

3. We are not ready for this move. And I'm ok with that. Really, I am!

4. I have officially broken my addiction to diet soda! I have, however, upped my dose of coffee. Does the achievement still count?

5. I'm so ready for fall. I hate summer. Truly, I do.

6. I'm in a mild panic that season 4 of Heroes is not available on Netflix on demand. Sad, really.

7. I have spent about 3 hours of my night cleaning for these anonymous people that are coming to view our apartment tomorrow. I settled on the couch, ready to reward myself with a reread of one of my favorite books, and what do I see? A small army of ants, carrying off a peanut that Phil must have dropped from his trailmix tub. Typical.

8. I truly am a sucker for music. I have wasted countless hours of my life looking up songs, listening to cds, looking up lyrics, wondering how they pertain to my life, etc.

9. I am dreading September 7th. And just to let you know, general public, you should be too.

10. I am completely out of food and shampoo. This does not concern me nearly as much as the above mentioned Heroes situation.

Happy week everyone!!

Absurdity

So after a brief stumble, I feel like my life is back on track. Comfortable once again in where I am, and looking forward to the place I know I'm going. Small assurances, but they're there just the same.

And life continues to move: poor Weasel got her wisdom teeth pulled (ouch!), and she goes back to college the end of the month. Mom's out of her boot (yes!). Dad's residing the house. (Wish him luck there). My friend Kirsten had her baby, Katija (I will be calling her Kat). Beautiful beautiful girl. And we will be moving into our new flat the end of this month (I secretly think Phil is a nomad).

With all this going on, my mind is in a constant race, always one step ahead of what I'm trying to do. I'm so worried of what may come, I often miss the great stuff that's happening right in front of my face! What a sad way to live. It's a behavior that I know needs to stop.

Tomorrow is Friday! (My favorite day). I'm looking forward to the Farmer's Market and Barnes and Noble and some mom time. And then Phil and my new show, Everest. Gotta love reality TV. And no worrying about what's to come. Just enjoying the day.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-Emerson

It's a long trip alone....

It's been so long since I've posted, my poor computer didn't recognize the website. So sad. Summers are usually rough for me, and sadly this one is proving to be no different. It's as if the powers that be bring me straight thunderstorms from June until September. There's always a lesson, though. And for that, I am thankful.

Phil was gone this past month, in California. It's always sad to be apart from eachother, but I got some alone time with the family, which I always treasure. It's a strange thing, but I missed Phil more than I ever have this month. More even than the deployment. Maybe we're just older, maybe our love is deeper. Scary and wonderful, all rolled into one.

Phil and I celebrated our 4th anniversary this month. This summer also marks a year being back in Wisconsin. I'm still so glad we moved back. It's nice to know Phil and I could make it somewhere else, but home is here. It's nice to see old friends, to laugh about life over a cup of coffee. It's great to see my sister dancing through life, her eyes full of excitement. I get to see my parents change 'the big house' now that it's two instead of four. (I do, however, think they'll regret selling that glorious swingset once their first grandkid comes along). Memories and milestones.

I can't put into words what I would do without my family and friends. It's pretty hard to imagine with all the love around me, there are still people quite alone.

A little Dierks Bentley:

It's a long trip alone
over sand and stone
That lie along the road that we all must travel down

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone

It's a short piece of time but just enough to find
A little peace of mind under the sun somewhere

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
You know we can't afford to let one moment pass us by
'Cause it's a short piece of time

And I don't know where I'd be without you here
'Cause I'm not really me without you there

So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
So maybe you could walk with me a while

Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe I could feel you right beside me til' I'm home
'Cause it's a long trip alone
A long trip alone

The past....

Always comes back to haunt us?
Or does it only come back to resolve past issues?
Or can the past come back and stay comfortably?
I've been dealing with the past a lot lately. Mostly people.
Can we let people back in?
Maybe not the way it was before,
maybe cautiously.
I think the biggest fear is things ending up the way they we before.
There are parts of them that we loved once,
so does all that go away?
When we aren't so clouded by anger and resentment; where does that love go?
We'll see where this road takes me.
And I hopefully won't live to regret it.

Getting back to basics!!

This summer I want to ENJOY myself. I sometimes get the frightening urge that life is passing me by; one day into the next so quickly that I've done nothing worthwhile or enjoyable for myself. Do you have those days when you go to bed just wonderfully exhausted by the great time you just had? I feel like those days are just too few and far between lately. So, I'm making a little list of some things I'd like to do this summer; nothing major, but fun things, simple things, that bring me nothing but pure joy.
Here is my MONUMENTAL (ha) summer list:
*See a sunrise down by the lake
*Read some 'thinker' books, as I call them (sorry mom). My goal is 6.
*Brewer's game!
*Hike with the hubby
*Pick strawberries (is it too late??)
*Spend a day at the beach and watch the sunset with someone I love
*Get some ice cream and watch a movie on a Friday with the fam, just like old times
*Ride a roller coaster
*Go to the zoo
So, we will see what the next few months hold! Next sunday it will officially begin! Welcome summer, welcome!!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!!

"The only constant in life is change."
I both appreciate and despise that quote. Appreciate it because it's true; despise it because, in general, I hate change. For a person like me, who believes that they are destined to be grounded in a certain place, with certain people, with a certain life, change basically sucks.
In the past 4 years, I have pretty much chosen to drive myself nutso. Married at the ripe old age of 20!, moved 5 times in 4 years, husband deployed and back again, I figured life could, should, and would be steady for me for at least a year or two. And I think we all know what comes next....
MORE CHANGE!
My dear husband wants to return to school, which means a HEAP of stuff to come. Some good, some nerve wracking. Part of me wants to retreat to my place of comfort, hiding from the world that seems to love making a mess of my order. But, as my mom says, what would that solve? You'll miss out on playing in the beautiful mess of life.
I'm beginning to realize that for my life to be steady later, this change probably should be happening now. I'm still nervous, but hopeful. Still cautious, but excited.
And so I square my shoulders. Roll up my sleeves. Deep breaths.
And jump into the beautiful mess.

Good Morning!

Quick post on this cloudy, gloomy morning. Makes me want to snuggle up with my new book, but alas! I must go sell lotions and soaps.
Track #16 on my Pride and Prejudice CD woke me up this morning while my coffee brewed. Perfect way to start the day.
When I get home from selling lotions and soaps, Phil will be here to greet me today. While I cherish my alone time, and the apartment in perfect, tidy order, he manages to mess things up just enough for me to miss him when he's gone. The weekends he spends away reminds me how lucky I am to have him here.
Big things happening this week; Molly had another successful semester in Minnesota, and now she will come back to us, we have one of Phil's army friends staying with us this weekend, my cousin's first communion, and Mother's Day.
And so life goes on.
Happy Mother's Day mom! And to Jan! And Kate! And to any other mother that reads my silly little blog! I am so lucky to have you all in my life.
LAVA!!

Another year older...

And none the wiser. Well, maybe that's not true. Had a FABULOUS birthday, filled with family, friends, coffee, and creampuffs. Doesn't get much better than that!
My birthday is usually when I make my resolutions for the coming year, not New Year's. Have no idea why. Where I want to be, what I could change. I realized I'm pretty damn happy with the way things are right now, at this moment.
I've dealt a lot with loss this week. Some actual, some metaphorical. Watched an INREDIBLY sad documentary, Dear Zachary, which I think will be life changing, for me. One of my dear friends lost her sister. Heart breaking. One of my co workers lost her brother-in-law. And all of these people were YOUNG. Totally freaked me out, could literally FEEL my anxiety spike. What does one do, when they lose someone close? Grief, shock, utter despair, a completely numb feeling; nothingness. And what do you do when it's sudden, no time to prepare for it?? How do you get those last "I love yous" in? What a tough thing to realize that sometimes you can't.
I guess where all this is going (if anywhere), is that my goals for the next year are small and yet gigantic at the same time. I want to realize every single day that I'm so blessed that I can see my dad's hair get all salt and peppery, that I can almost pee my pants laughing that my mom goes to look for a deer that hit HER, that my sister can cheer me up no matter what's happening with a quick quote from Friends, that Phil makes me coffee and that he always snuggles up right before he falls asleep, I can share a quick one liner with Jan, I can memorize how excited Amanda gets about a bubble bath. It doesn't mean I will always have these things, but I have them NOW. And that's worth cherishing; focusing on, THIS is what's important. Don't worry about that other stuff. Insignificant in comparison.
As Audrey says, love reality. We should embrace it, and ALWAYS be grateful we are here.

Too much of anything and you start to crack...

Very true statement, and in this case I'm talking of shopping! Phil was gone all weekend, and so I thought it was the perfect time to do some shopping with my Margie (mother)! Well, we may have overdone it. Mayfair, mall, Pier 1, Stein's, Home Depot, Toys 'R Us, etc. etc. Whew!! And as result, we cracked. Laughing hysterically, clothes and make up everywhere, and what seems to be my mom's natural defense against retail: walk into a store and just stop; look as if you're pondering something extremely deep and philisophical. I'm seriously thinking of fashioning some kind of poking device to prod her along. Still a FUN FUN FUN weekend, and my balcony is pretty much furnished! We just need a bird feeder. Phil is still wondering which birds he wants to let into his precious space- as if it's some kind of exclusive club....

My parents stopped by for dinner as well; yummy subs from the Sausage Kitchen. My kind father hung my GIGANTIC windchime; I'm in constant fear that the neighbors are going to complain, but I think it's lovely.

That's about all for now; I'm a horrible blogger. A month in between posts! Yeesh!

Nothing really great and wonderful to report; same usual stuff happening. Life. I was reminded this week, that what is in front of me is beautiful. It's fine to dream big dreams, have hopes for the future, strive for perfection in the present, have regrets from the past. But if those dreams don't come true, if perfection isn't achieved (ha), or past regrets aren't resolved? We all do the best we can. Simplicity. Sometimes just to be is enough.
And what I see in front of me: Beauty. Love. Grace. Joy. Sadness. Laughter.
Perfect.



And a little Matt Nathanson:

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real
All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful

Thoughts for the week......

Sometimes laughter really can cure a foul mood....

I think poor Phil is going blind....he can never find the hamper! This morning his clothes were right next to it....I'm worried...... ;)

I have the best best friend ever....she always makes me feel like I'm fabulously magnificent; and anyone that can't see that is crazy. She kicks ass.

I am so ready for some warm weather

I can only do the best I can, and that's it. I have to let go.

Reading is the best escape.

In Minnesota I discovered that I really do need coffee to function...I always thought it was a habit more than an addiction....huh.

Have a wonderous week everyone!!

Pocketfull of sunshine...

Went to see Molly in Minnesota this past weekend. My pure sunshine. I think it can be so hard to stand out in a sea of individuals, yet she does so effortlessly.
I see my reflection in her; we may have a similar face, but she is the balance of my scale. The free spirited realist, adventurer, seizer of life.
She was my companion in my childhood life; there is a rare memory without her in it. Good or bad. We walked hand and hand, stumbling, picking eachother up, dusting eachother off. No disappointment or judgement. Sadness, grief, dispair, joy, elation. All felt together. I'm not saying my childhood was better or worse than anyone else. Just different. And when I look back, I see her and I trying to do the same thing; figure it all out, understand, wrap our heads and hearts around it. There are many things about my past I am so grateful for. One of them is being so close with her. There is no one that has walked the same path as me, the smooth roads, the rocky ones, except her. Would we be as close if we hadn't had that? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm grateful still.
It is no longer a wonder of mine that I chose someone very much like her to spend my adult life with. To walk that same path, stumbling, picking eachother off, dusting eachother off. Where I try to ground them, they always try to pull me up; there's the balance.
She will go farther than me, I am sure of it. While I hold my circle close, hers spreads far and wide. And she will tread upon every inch of it. I am so blessed that, while our lives are so different, we still feel the same. Sadness, grief, dispair, joy, elation. All together. My road stays close to home, hers goes farther. Bittersweet. But hopefully some of our rest stops are the same. Hopefully her road always circles back here.
I am sure of this: wherever her road takes her, she always leaves a little sparkle; a little bit of pure sunshine.

A late letter of love

Sometimes I just don't realize how long I've been away from the computer! February seems to be flying; the shortest month in a hurry to be over. I did miss writing a Valentine's blog, but I do want to leave a few thoughts on that wonderful subject of 'love.'
Phil and I had a nice Valentine's Day together (he actually MADE me dinner!; something I've only done for him.....once....I'm a poor wife.) so that was very thoughtful and actually impressive on his part.
I've always had odd thoughts about love. I do believe someone may have soulmates; but not soley one. I truly believe that one person could 'make it work' with a number of people. I think it's the choice that makes it so special. The fact that Phil and I chose eachother out of many, is much more romantic to me than the idea of there being only one person on this earth for me. And I definetly think it's a choice that has to be made repeatedly over the course of time. A perfect example of this is, to me, my mother and father. To make that choice everyday, to stay, to support, to love, to endure, to struggle, to celebrate. To be. Together. That is, to me, the stuff of great novels.

I stumbled on this quote the other day:
" The bottom line is you have to choose who you are going to commit to- that's the foundation of true love." -Stephanie Meyer

Nicely put.
Happy belated Valentine's Day everyone!!

I see the moon...and the moon sees me....

I've taken special notice of the moon every now and then for most of my life. When you were in the car late at night, did you ever notice the moon following you? Have you ever looked out your bedroom window and noticed it's white-golden glow? It's hard not to look at it and see just an object; I see something with power, light, hope, a timeless beacon that lights the way; leads people home. It's mythical, magical, heavenly. No matter your religious choices, isn't it hard not to look at it and believe in something?

"Why are prayers focused heavenward? The heart's wishes find a way out, and as with all warmth, love rises. The will to fly is in the nature of the soul, so its home has to be up above. And gifts do come from the sky, like spring rain and summer breezes and fall sun and winter snow."
-J.R. Ward

Really, who cares what everyone believes in? Be it the Moon, God, Buddah, the Earth, people. At least we're all believing in SOMETHING. And my guess? We're all right.

I'm still chilly!!

Hey retailers!! I am still chilly!! Putting bathing suits out is fine; but would you please keep some sweaters out??!!
And maybe some winter boots?!
It's January for goodness sakes! Single didgets people!!

Optimism??

This word seems to be everywhere I turn lately; on the news, at my bookstore, even at my place of employment! What are they trying to tell me?? I think, as a whole, I'm a relatively positive person. And no one should be TOO optimistic in my opinion; you know the type: so 'overjoyed' with life that they actually startle you and you want to poke them to make sure they're actually real? So, should we all take note and swallow a good healthy dose of optimism?

I hope there's a happy medium. I was at coffee with a dear friend of mine the other day; she happened to have a book on the table, the subject being, what else, optimism. I believe the title had something to do with your glass being half full. As we were flipping through it, she brought up a very good point...."Can you really be optimistic all the time? Some things just suck!" Her very wise words have stuck with me all week. Some things definetly do just suck. Where would we learn empathy or compassion? How would we learn proper grieving skills? If not for a little realism every now and then we would all be living in Stepford!

So please, media, authors, even employers, calm down! While it's great to be positive, please don't take away our little grievenses. That's where humor comes from! And I need my laughter!

Shhh....I'm in hiding...

When life just starts to wear on you, do you have any objects, rituals, or places you go that help you get back to your true self? I know I do. I seem to go through this every year without fail; around January I get the blues. Maybe it's my anxiety, maybe it's the post holiday let down, maybe January just isn't my month. Whatever it is, I'm mentally exhausted.
So currently I'm hiding out at home, only going out for coffee or....coffee really. I turn to old friends and family; people that really KNOW me. I light tons of candles and clean (those that know me, cleaning to me is thearaputic). I eat an abundant amount of Haagen-Dazs chocolate ice cream. And I read Harry Potter books. And also watch the movies. Repeatedly. Weird, no? But it's oddly comforting.
Hopefully February will bring with it a renewed spirit within me; ready to take on life and all that it brings once again. Until then, thank you J. K. Rowling.

My grandmother

My grandma was an awesome lady. A few years back, she was diagnosed with dementia, and anyone who has seen someone go through that, can tell you how hard and confusing it is for everyone involved. She passed away late last year, and I spoke at her funeral. Here is what was said:

Many people say that my grandmother lost her memory. But who is to say where memories go? I believe that for every person you meet along your journey through life, you leave some of yourself with them. So even if those people are right, and she did lose her memory, they are still carried with friends, sisters, sons, grandchildren, and everyone else she touched along her journey. Therefore, her memory can never really be lost.

I was incredibly blessed to have so many memories of my grandma. It seems like she was present for almost every event in my life, big or small. From teaparties to my wedding day, she was always there. My grandma had a loud laugh and a huge heart. She always had cookies in the fridge, and a story of the boy my father used to be. She sat through many of my violin recitals, and though I'm sure she had a migraine after some of them, she always said I played perfectly. She gave me memories of perfect Christmases, and afternoons talking with her on her patio. She gave me the wisdom of the value of family, and that if you have love in your life, you don't really need much else. Mostly though, I will remember she was one of my greatest supporters in everything I did, and that whenever I saw her, I felt cherished.

I am so grateful for everything my grandma gave me. I will be reminded of her everytime I hear a laugh filled with humor and happiness, whenever I see my dad's smile, or when I see a grandmother look upon her grandaughter with pride and love. I will forever carry her with me, and never lose her. Just as though I know she never lost me.


She is so missed by so many. I know that both of my grandparents are somewhere up in the heavens of the universe; still being my biggest supporters, celebrating in all my triumphs, pushing me through all life's sorrows. Lava always.

What did the New Year ring in?? A computer for me!

FINALLY! After months and months of nagging Phil (why can't we just get a new computer?..why would you want to deprive me of knowledge?...you know what would be easier than ordering this by phone? ordering this on a computer...you know i could just look this up on our computer...but wait....etc.) we finally have a COMPUTER! Only those who have months and months without one can know my true joy. I am at peace.

What have we been up to, you ask? Well currently we are hibernating, because Texas truly did seem to thin our blood. I have just survived yet another holiday in retail; just starting to get back to my normal self, and not a soley running on caffeine-brain strained in a hundred places self. Phil has been up to his usual; working and playing video games. I have been relearning how to drive in the snow; which is only half true since Phil is not super supportive. Not fearfull for me I suspect, but for our car.

The biggest perk since our move by far has been seeing my family on a regular basis. It was wonderful spending the holiday with them in person, instead of by webcam. It's so nice to feel settled somewhere, instead of wondering where and when our next move will be.

Well, hopefully more soon; hopefully this post summed up my happiness about having a COMPUTER again, once more feeling the joy of the internet world.