And none the wiser. Well, maybe that's not true. Had a FABULOUS birthday, filled with family, friends, coffee, and creampuffs. Doesn't get much better than that!
My birthday is usually when I make my resolutions for the coming year, not New Year's. Have no idea why. Where I want to be, what I could change. I realized I'm pretty damn happy with the way things are right now, at this moment.
I've dealt a lot with loss this week. Some actual, some metaphorical. Watched an INREDIBLY sad documentary, Dear Zachary, which I think will be life changing, for me. One of my dear friends lost her sister. Heart breaking. One of my co workers lost her brother-in-law. And all of these people were YOUNG. Totally freaked me out, could literally FEEL my anxiety spike. What does one do, when they lose someone close? Grief, shock, utter despair, a completely numb feeling; nothingness. And what do you do when it's sudden, no time to prepare for it?? How do you get those last "I love yous" in? What a tough thing to realize that sometimes you can't.
I guess where all this is going (if anywhere), is that my goals for the next year are small and yet gigantic at the same time. I want to realize every single day that I'm so blessed that I can see my dad's hair get all salt and peppery, that I can almost pee my pants laughing that my mom goes to look for a deer that hit HER, that my sister can cheer me up no matter what's happening with a quick quote from Friends, that Phil makes me coffee and that he always snuggles up right before he falls asleep, I can share a quick one liner with Jan, I can memorize how excited Amanda gets about a bubble bath. It doesn't mean I will always have these things, but I have them NOW. And that's worth cherishing; focusing on, THIS is what's important. Don't worry about that other stuff. Insignificant in comparison.
As Audrey says, love reality. We should embrace it, and ALWAYS be grateful we are here.
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There is no greater teacher than life and no greater classroom than the world. And I think the only way to avoid the ugly and depressive stuff is to hole yourself up in your home and not answer the phone or watch tv. But that, in and of itself, is sad. If we don't make that conscious decision everyday to open our doors and step out into the world we are avoiding that ugliness, but we are also missing the beauty. We may not feel our hearts break over news of a death, or poverty, or discrimination or injustice. But we also will not feel it soar with the experience of love, or the birth of new life, or the first winter snow, or the first colors of spring. I don't think you can have one without the other. As in everything there must be balance. I also believe tears are healing and comforting to our souls just as a smile can brighten our day or a friends laughter can lift our spirits. Once again it's about balance. Aah, life. It's not perfect and we don't always get it right and at times it sucks. But we don't travel alone (thank god for family and friends), we hear of small miracles in the middle of disasters, and we see little wonders in the midst of despair. And we have sunrises over the Lake of Michigan, we have b&n friday, and we have moon ceremonies!
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