It's a long trip alone....

It's been so long since I've posted, my poor computer didn't recognize the website. So sad. Summers are usually rough for me, and sadly this one is proving to be no different. It's as if the powers that be bring me straight thunderstorms from June until September. There's always a lesson, though. And for that, I am thankful.

Phil was gone this past month, in California. It's always sad to be apart from eachother, but I got some alone time with the family, which I always treasure. It's a strange thing, but I missed Phil more than I ever have this month. More even than the deployment. Maybe we're just older, maybe our love is deeper. Scary and wonderful, all rolled into one.

Phil and I celebrated our 4th anniversary this month. This summer also marks a year being back in Wisconsin. I'm still so glad we moved back. It's nice to know Phil and I could make it somewhere else, but home is here. It's nice to see old friends, to laugh about life over a cup of coffee. It's great to see my sister dancing through life, her eyes full of excitement. I get to see my parents change 'the big house' now that it's two instead of four. (I do, however, think they'll regret selling that glorious swingset once their first grandkid comes along). Memories and milestones.

I can't put into words what I would do without my family and friends. It's pretty hard to imagine with all the love around me, there are still people quite alone.

A little Dierks Bentley:

It's a long trip alone
over sand and stone
That lie along the road that we all must travel down

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone

It's a short piece of time but just enough to find
A little peace of mind under the sun somewhere

So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
You know we can't afford to let one moment pass us by
'Cause it's a short piece of time

And I don't know where I'd be without you here
'Cause I'm not really me without you there

So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
So maybe you could walk with me a while

Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe I could feel you right beside me til' I'm home
'Cause it's a long trip alone
A long trip alone

The past....

Always comes back to haunt us?
Or does it only come back to resolve past issues?
Or can the past come back and stay comfortably?
I've been dealing with the past a lot lately. Mostly people.
Can we let people back in?
Maybe not the way it was before,
maybe cautiously.
I think the biggest fear is things ending up the way they we before.
There are parts of them that we loved once,
so does all that go away?
When we aren't so clouded by anger and resentment; where does that love go?
We'll see where this road takes me.
And I hopefully won't live to regret it.

Getting back to basics!!

This summer I want to ENJOY myself. I sometimes get the frightening urge that life is passing me by; one day into the next so quickly that I've done nothing worthwhile or enjoyable for myself. Do you have those days when you go to bed just wonderfully exhausted by the great time you just had? I feel like those days are just too few and far between lately. So, I'm making a little list of some things I'd like to do this summer; nothing major, but fun things, simple things, that bring me nothing but pure joy.
Here is my MONUMENTAL (ha) summer list:
*See a sunrise down by the lake
*Read some 'thinker' books, as I call them (sorry mom). My goal is 6.
*Brewer's game!
*Hike with the hubby
*Pick strawberries (is it too late??)
*Spend a day at the beach and watch the sunset with someone I love
*Get some ice cream and watch a movie on a Friday with the fam, just like old times
*Ride a roller coaster
*Go to the zoo
So, we will see what the next few months hold! Next sunday it will officially begin! Welcome summer, welcome!!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!!

"The only constant in life is change."
I both appreciate and despise that quote. Appreciate it because it's true; despise it because, in general, I hate change. For a person like me, who believes that they are destined to be grounded in a certain place, with certain people, with a certain life, change basically sucks.
In the past 4 years, I have pretty much chosen to drive myself nutso. Married at the ripe old age of 20!, moved 5 times in 4 years, husband deployed and back again, I figured life could, should, and would be steady for me for at least a year or two. And I think we all know what comes next....
MORE CHANGE!
My dear husband wants to return to school, which means a HEAP of stuff to come. Some good, some nerve wracking. Part of me wants to retreat to my place of comfort, hiding from the world that seems to love making a mess of my order. But, as my mom says, what would that solve? You'll miss out on playing in the beautiful mess of life.
I'm beginning to realize that for my life to be steady later, this change probably should be happening now. I'm still nervous, but hopeful. Still cautious, but excited.
And so I square my shoulders. Roll up my sleeves. Deep breaths.
And jump into the beautiful mess.

Good Morning!

Quick post on this cloudy, gloomy morning. Makes me want to snuggle up with my new book, but alas! I must go sell lotions and soaps.
Track #16 on my Pride and Prejudice CD woke me up this morning while my coffee brewed. Perfect way to start the day.
When I get home from selling lotions and soaps, Phil will be here to greet me today. While I cherish my alone time, and the apartment in perfect, tidy order, he manages to mess things up just enough for me to miss him when he's gone. The weekends he spends away reminds me how lucky I am to have him here.
Big things happening this week; Molly had another successful semester in Minnesota, and now she will come back to us, we have one of Phil's army friends staying with us this weekend, my cousin's first communion, and Mother's Day.
And so life goes on.
Happy Mother's Day mom! And to Jan! And Kate! And to any other mother that reads my silly little blog! I am so lucky to have you all in my life.
LAVA!!

Another year older...

And none the wiser. Well, maybe that's not true. Had a FABULOUS birthday, filled with family, friends, coffee, and creampuffs. Doesn't get much better than that!
My birthday is usually when I make my resolutions for the coming year, not New Year's. Have no idea why. Where I want to be, what I could change. I realized I'm pretty damn happy with the way things are right now, at this moment.
I've dealt a lot with loss this week. Some actual, some metaphorical. Watched an INREDIBLY sad documentary, Dear Zachary, which I think will be life changing, for me. One of my dear friends lost her sister. Heart breaking. One of my co workers lost her brother-in-law. And all of these people were YOUNG. Totally freaked me out, could literally FEEL my anxiety spike. What does one do, when they lose someone close? Grief, shock, utter despair, a completely numb feeling; nothingness. And what do you do when it's sudden, no time to prepare for it?? How do you get those last "I love yous" in? What a tough thing to realize that sometimes you can't.
I guess where all this is going (if anywhere), is that my goals for the next year are small and yet gigantic at the same time. I want to realize every single day that I'm so blessed that I can see my dad's hair get all salt and peppery, that I can almost pee my pants laughing that my mom goes to look for a deer that hit HER, that my sister can cheer me up no matter what's happening with a quick quote from Friends, that Phil makes me coffee and that he always snuggles up right before he falls asleep, I can share a quick one liner with Jan, I can memorize how excited Amanda gets about a bubble bath. It doesn't mean I will always have these things, but I have them NOW. And that's worth cherishing; focusing on, THIS is what's important. Don't worry about that other stuff. Insignificant in comparison.
As Audrey says, love reality. We should embrace it, and ALWAYS be grateful we are here.

Too much of anything and you start to crack...

Very true statement, and in this case I'm talking of shopping! Phil was gone all weekend, and so I thought it was the perfect time to do some shopping with my Margie (mother)! Well, we may have overdone it. Mayfair, mall, Pier 1, Stein's, Home Depot, Toys 'R Us, etc. etc. Whew!! And as result, we cracked. Laughing hysterically, clothes and make up everywhere, and what seems to be my mom's natural defense against retail: walk into a store and just stop; look as if you're pondering something extremely deep and philisophical. I'm seriously thinking of fashioning some kind of poking device to prod her along. Still a FUN FUN FUN weekend, and my balcony is pretty much furnished! We just need a bird feeder. Phil is still wondering which birds he wants to let into his precious space- as if it's some kind of exclusive club....

My parents stopped by for dinner as well; yummy subs from the Sausage Kitchen. My kind father hung my GIGANTIC windchime; I'm in constant fear that the neighbors are going to complain, but I think it's lovely.

That's about all for now; I'm a horrible blogger. A month in between posts! Yeesh!