Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!!

"The only constant in life is change."
I both appreciate and despise that quote. Appreciate it because it's true; despise it because, in general, I hate change. For a person like me, who believes that they are destined to be grounded in a certain place, with certain people, with a certain life, change basically sucks.
In the past 4 years, I have pretty much chosen to drive myself nutso. Married at the ripe old age of 20!, moved 5 times in 4 years, husband deployed and back again, I figured life could, should, and would be steady for me for at least a year or two. And I think we all know what comes next....
MORE CHANGE!
My dear husband wants to return to school, which means a HEAP of stuff to come. Some good, some nerve wracking. Part of me wants to retreat to my place of comfort, hiding from the world that seems to love making a mess of my order. But, as my mom says, what would that solve? You'll miss out on playing in the beautiful mess of life.
I'm beginning to realize that for my life to be steady later, this change probably should be happening now. I'm still nervous, but hopeful. Still cautious, but excited.
And so I square my shoulders. Roll up my sleeves. Deep breaths.
And jump into the beautiful mess.

Good Morning!

Quick post on this cloudy, gloomy morning. Makes me want to snuggle up with my new book, but alas! I must go sell lotions and soaps.
Track #16 on my Pride and Prejudice CD woke me up this morning while my coffee brewed. Perfect way to start the day.
When I get home from selling lotions and soaps, Phil will be here to greet me today. While I cherish my alone time, and the apartment in perfect, tidy order, he manages to mess things up just enough for me to miss him when he's gone. The weekends he spends away reminds me how lucky I am to have him here.
Big things happening this week; Molly had another successful semester in Minnesota, and now she will come back to us, we have one of Phil's army friends staying with us this weekend, my cousin's first communion, and Mother's Day.
And so life goes on.
Happy Mother's Day mom! And to Jan! And Kate! And to any other mother that reads my silly little blog! I am so lucky to have you all in my life.
LAVA!!

Another year older...

And none the wiser. Well, maybe that's not true. Had a FABULOUS birthday, filled with family, friends, coffee, and creampuffs. Doesn't get much better than that!
My birthday is usually when I make my resolutions for the coming year, not New Year's. Have no idea why. Where I want to be, what I could change. I realized I'm pretty damn happy with the way things are right now, at this moment.
I've dealt a lot with loss this week. Some actual, some metaphorical. Watched an INREDIBLY sad documentary, Dear Zachary, which I think will be life changing, for me. One of my dear friends lost her sister. Heart breaking. One of my co workers lost her brother-in-law. And all of these people were YOUNG. Totally freaked me out, could literally FEEL my anxiety spike. What does one do, when they lose someone close? Grief, shock, utter despair, a completely numb feeling; nothingness. And what do you do when it's sudden, no time to prepare for it?? How do you get those last "I love yous" in? What a tough thing to realize that sometimes you can't.
I guess where all this is going (if anywhere), is that my goals for the next year are small and yet gigantic at the same time. I want to realize every single day that I'm so blessed that I can see my dad's hair get all salt and peppery, that I can almost pee my pants laughing that my mom goes to look for a deer that hit HER, that my sister can cheer me up no matter what's happening with a quick quote from Friends, that Phil makes me coffee and that he always snuggles up right before he falls asleep, I can share a quick one liner with Jan, I can memorize how excited Amanda gets about a bubble bath. It doesn't mean I will always have these things, but I have them NOW. And that's worth cherishing; focusing on, THIS is what's important. Don't worry about that other stuff. Insignificant in comparison.
As Audrey says, love reality. We should embrace it, and ALWAYS be grateful we are here.

Too much of anything and you start to crack...

Very true statement, and in this case I'm talking of shopping! Phil was gone all weekend, and so I thought it was the perfect time to do some shopping with my Margie (mother)! Well, we may have overdone it. Mayfair, mall, Pier 1, Stein's, Home Depot, Toys 'R Us, etc. etc. Whew!! And as result, we cracked. Laughing hysterically, clothes and make up everywhere, and what seems to be my mom's natural defense against retail: walk into a store and just stop; look as if you're pondering something extremely deep and philisophical. I'm seriously thinking of fashioning some kind of poking device to prod her along. Still a FUN FUN FUN weekend, and my balcony is pretty much furnished! We just need a bird feeder. Phil is still wondering which birds he wants to let into his precious space- as if it's some kind of exclusive club....

My parents stopped by for dinner as well; yummy subs from the Sausage Kitchen. My kind father hung my GIGANTIC windchime; I'm in constant fear that the neighbors are going to complain, but I think it's lovely.

That's about all for now; I'm a horrible blogger. A month in between posts! Yeesh!

Nothing really great and wonderful to report; same usual stuff happening. Life. I was reminded this week, that what is in front of me is beautiful. It's fine to dream big dreams, have hopes for the future, strive for perfection in the present, have regrets from the past. But if those dreams don't come true, if perfection isn't achieved (ha), or past regrets aren't resolved? We all do the best we can. Simplicity. Sometimes just to be is enough.
And what I see in front of me: Beauty. Love. Grace. Joy. Sadness. Laughter.
Perfect.



And a little Matt Nathanson:

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real
All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful

Thoughts for the week......

Sometimes laughter really can cure a foul mood....

I think poor Phil is going blind....he can never find the hamper! This morning his clothes were right next to it....I'm worried...... ;)

I have the best best friend ever....she always makes me feel like I'm fabulously magnificent; and anyone that can't see that is crazy. She kicks ass.

I am so ready for some warm weather

I can only do the best I can, and that's it. I have to let go.

Reading is the best escape.

In Minnesota I discovered that I really do need coffee to function...I always thought it was a habit more than an addiction....huh.

Have a wonderous week everyone!!

Pocketfull of sunshine...

Went to see Molly in Minnesota this past weekend. My pure sunshine. I think it can be so hard to stand out in a sea of individuals, yet she does so effortlessly.
I see my reflection in her; we may have a similar face, but she is the balance of my scale. The free spirited realist, adventurer, seizer of life.
She was my companion in my childhood life; there is a rare memory without her in it. Good or bad. We walked hand and hand, stumbling, picking eachother up, dusting eachother off. No disappointment or judgement. Sadness, grief, dispair, joy, elation. All felt together. I'm not saying my childhood was better or worse than anyone else. Just different. And when I look back, I see her and I trying to do the same thing; figure it all out, understand, wrap our heads and hearts around it. There are many things about my past I am so grateful for. One of them is being so close with her. There is no one that has walked the same path as me, the smooth roads, the rocky ones, except her. Would we be as close if we hadn't had that? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm grateful still.
It is no longer a wonder of mine that I chose someone very much like her to spend my adult life with. To walk that same path, stumbling, picking eachother off, dusting eachother off. Where I try to ground them, they always try to pull me up; there's the balance.
She will go farther than me, I am sure of it. While I hold my circle close, hers spreads far and wide. And she will tread upon every inch of it. I am so blessed that, while our lives are so different, we still feel the same. Sadness, grief, dispair, joy, elation. All together. My road stays close to home, hers goes farther. Bittersweet. But hopefully some of our rest stops are the same. Hopefully her road always circles back here.
I am sure of this: wherever her road takes her, she always leaves a little sparkle; a little bit of pure sunshine.